I remember how I felt when I first arrived at Kidder Creek. I was so full of anticipation and excitement. Meeting all these new people seemed daunting, and I was nervous. I cried a lot in those first few weeks, trying to work things out with Craig and get to know a whole new group of people. I was out of my comfort zone, and trying to plan a program I had never seen run. I felt homesick a lot, and I longed to be with people who knew me. I was blessed to go home for a weekend for the big Wagner Birthday Bash, but saddened to miss GODCHICKS (because I had to choose between the two). I was reminded of the difficult decisions we face in life all the time, and brokenhearted that I had to miss something that has been so meaningful for me (GC!). I realized, though, that actually BEING a GODCHICK meant going home to be with my family for this important moment... I realized that I was actually living out all that I have learned from GODCHICKS over the past 8 years. I really hope that God makes a way for me to go next year.
Anyway, I embarked on my Ranch Camp journey and gradually got into a groove with it... Staff meetings at 6:15am followed by saddling up and a dance party, then breakfast and classes, then lunch and pond time! We have a campout every week where a few of us lug all the kids' sleeping bags to another place at camp and prepare dinner and breakfast over an open fire. We always return filthy, exhausted, and covered in bug bites (which I guess means we had a good time by camp standards!). The week usually flies by after that, filled with games and campfires and s'mores and hoe downs and camper skit nights. There are just so many special moments that become routine to us, but I'm sure make a lasting impression on these kids.
This summer I have grown a lot in so many ways. I have been the campfire speaker for a few of the weeks, pushing me to prepare messages and read my Bible a lot more. I have been challenged with difficult campers and tired counselors which has allowed me to find strength in Jesus, to really depend on him, and to stay positive and encouraging. I have been reminded that it is not my work that is going to change these kids' lives, rather it is God's Spirit moving in them that will change them. This has led me to pray for them more than striving to change them or say exactly the right things to them. Overall, the theme of my summer has just been trusting God more. I believe that God is calling me to something radical in this life, and that He has allowed me this time to show me His faithfulness that I might be able to trust Him more fully.
In addition to all of the ways I've grown from my job this summer, I have been able to experience love in ways I never imagined. The staff at Kidder Creek are so genuine. They are so full of love and so authentically seeking meaning in life. They are not chained by what is considered normal, but they desire to live radically transformed lives. It is so refreshing to be surrounded by people who just enjoy laughing and playing together. We don't have TV and we are very disconnected from the pop culture, but we have a strange sense of connection to the world. We connect to the world through the lives and pains of our campers each week. Though our own personal burdens are far away, we bear the burdens of campers every single week, which makes us almost more connected to the world than if we were caught up in all of the things that keep us numb and complacent. I am so fulfilled by the community here. Not only have I started beautiful friendships, but I have enjoyed an amazing relationship with Craig. There are moments when I cry because I am so overwhelmed by his love. That sounds ridiculous and cheesy, but the way that he loves me is so whole. He listens to me and cares for me so specifically and carefully. Sometimes we read together or he plays his guitar and we sing...whatever we are doing we are laughing. He makes my face hurt from smiling. He looks at me when I am covered in dirt and smell like armpits and tells me that I am gorgeous. I feel his love tangibly, and it makes me overflow. I am so happy and so loved by everyone around me.
In light of all this, I am sad to leave. I am sad for all of this to be over. I am mourning that this magical summer of exhaustion and tears and joy and friendship and love is drawing to a close. I'm scared for what is next because I don't know what is next. My plans are to travel and make money where I can, but more importantly invest in the relationships that I have been neglecting. I want to create a new normal for my life... A normal that includes living rich in meaning and emotion. I want a life with Craig where we are quick to respond to God's call, where we feel God's broken heart in the pain we see on the news and in our communities. I want something different than I've seen. I want to live every day as fully and richly as possibly, casting out demons and healing people and restoring sight to the blind and drinking smoothies... because after this summer, I am so convinced that THAT is what I was created for...that there is a difference between admiring Jesus or saying He is Lord, and actually molding your life after HIS. Going to church every week and trying to fit in good deeds when your schedule allows may be a culturally acceptable model for Christianity, but the deeper I get into reading God's word, the more I see the ways that people center their lives on the idea that God is a cosmic vending machine, and once they have the right code, all they have to do is punch it in and they will have a happy life... I don't believe that God is working overtime in heaven so that we can have a happy life full of comfort and wealth. Rather, I am convinced that God desires for us to have a challenging life full of meaning. He wants us to speak out for those who cannot speak for themselves and to intercede in prayer for everyone we know. We are to live with a sense of urgency that compels us to bring people into the fold of God's love and protection from the darkness of the world. This summer has confirmed for me my desire to follow Jesus radically... to bring hope to the most broken places because God has entrusted me with great privilege, and with that comes great responsibility.
So right now I am dangling upside down on a horse. I'm not exactly sure how I got here, but I am certain now that I've seen life this way, it can never be the same. I am being held by a God who cares for me deeply, and a man who wants me to love God more... I am surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses who want me to see life from this vantage point. Because why would you sit on a horse and ride it normally, when you can rely on the strength of God and your community to give you a whole new perspective?! I think life is just so much more exciting when we don't do it the way we are expected to... it's way more exciting upside down, even if we have to tuck in our shirts to make it appropriate. ♥ ♥ ♥
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