Life is rich.

The summer has flown by, and I realize that I have not been good at documenting it. My journal is filled with thoughts about God, but as far as recounting the events of each day, I am terrible. I think that some moments in life just need to be lived. They need to simply be experienced and reflected on later. Perhaps that is convenient to say at this point, but I believe I have been truly living this summer...I have been breathing and enjoying and experiencing the richness of life with Jesus. I have been joyful and sad, and I have cried a lot of tears; I have seen God display His power in incredible ways that I did not expect.

I remember how I felt when I first arrived at Kidder Creek. I was so full of anticipation and excitement. Meeting all these new people seemed daunting, and I was nervous. I cried a lot in those first few weeks, trying to work things out with Craig and get to know a whole new group of people. I was out of my comfort zone, and trying to plan a program I had never seen run. I felt homesick a lot, and I longed to be with people who knew me. I was blessed to go home for a weekend for the big Wagner Birthday Bash, but saddened to miss GODCHICKS (because I had to choose between the two). I was reminded of the difficult decisions we face in life all the time, and brokenhearted that I had to miss something that has been so meaningful for me (GC!). I realized, though, that actually BEING a GODCHICK meant going home to be with my family for this important moment... I realized that I was actually living out all that I have learned from GODCHICKS over the past 8 years. I really hope that God makes a way for me to go next year.

Anyway, I embarked on my Ranch Camp journey and gradually got into a groove with it... Staff meetings at 6:15am followed by saddling up and a dance party, then breakfast and classes, then lunch and pond time! We have a campout every week where a few of us lug all the kids' sleeping bags to another place at camp and prepare dinner and breakfast over an open fire. We always return filthy, exhausted, and covered in bug bites (which I guess means we had a good time by camp standards!). The week usually flies by after that, filled with games and campfires and s'mores and hoe downs and camper skit nights. There are just so many special moments that become routine to us, but I'm sure make a lasting impression on these kids.

This summer I have grown a lot in so many ways. I have been the campfire speaker for a few of the weeks, pushing me to prepare messages and read my Bible a lot more. I have been challenged with difficult campers and tired counselors which has allowed me to find strength in Jesus, to really depend on him, and to stay positive and encouraging. I have been reminded that it is not my work that is going to change these kids' lives, rather it is God's Spirit moving in them that will change them. This has led me to pray for them more than striving to change them or say exactly the right things to them. Overall, the theme of my summer has just been trusting God more. I believe that God is calling me to something radical in this life, and that He has allowed me this time to show me His faithfulness that I might be able to trust Him more fully.

In addition to all of the ways I've grown from my job this summer, I have been able to experience love in ways I never imagined. The staff at Kidder Creek are so genuine. They are so full of love and so authentically seeking meaning in life. They are not chained by what is considered normal, but they desire to live radically transformed lives. It is so refreshing to be surrounded by people who just enjoy laughing and playing together. We don't have TV and we are very disconnected from the pop culture, but we have a strange sense of connection to the world. We connect to the world through the lives and pains of our campers each week. Though our own personal burdens are far away, we bear the burdens of campers every single week, which makes us almost more connected to the world than if we were caught up in all of the things that keep us numb and complacent. I am so fulfilled by the community here. Not only have I started beautiful friendships, but I have enjoyed an amazing relationship with Craig. There are moments when I cry because I am so overwhelmed by his love. That sounds ridiculous and cheesy, but the way that he loves me is so whole. He listens to me and cares for me so specifically and carefully. Sometimes we read together or he plays his guitar and we sing...whatever we are doing we are laughing. He makes my face hurt from smiling. He looks at me when I am covered in dirt and smell like armpits and tells me that I am gorgeous. I feel his love tangibly, and it makes me overflow. I am so happy and so loved by everyone around me.

In light of all this, I am sad to leave. I am sad for all of this to be over. I am mourning that this magical summer of exhaustion and tears and joy and friendship and love is drawing to a close. I'm scared for what is next because I don't know what is next. My plans are to travel and make money where I can, but more importantly invest in the relationships that I have been neglecting. I want to create a new normal for my life... A normal that includes living rich in meaning and emotion. I want a life with Craig where we are quick to respond to God's call, where we feel God's broken heart in the pain we see on the news and in our communities. I want something different than I've seen. I want to live every day as fully and richly as possibly, casting out demons and healing people and restoring sight to the blind and drinking smoothies... because after this summer, I am so convinced that THAT is what I was created for...that there is a difference between admiring Jesus or saying He is Lord, and actually molding your life after HIS. Going to church every week and trying to fit in good deeds when your schedule allows may be a culturally acceptable model for Christianity, but the deeper I get into reading God's word, the more I see the ways that people center their lives on the idea that God is a cosmic vending machine, and once they have the right code, all they have to do is punch it in and they will have a happy life... I don't believe that God is working overtime in heaven so that we can have a happy life full of comfort and wealth. Rather, I am convinced that God desires for us to have a challenging life full of meaning. He wants us to speak out for those who cannot speak for themselves and to intercede in prayer for everyone we know. We are to live with a sense of urgency that compels us to bring people into the fold of God's love and protection from the darkness of the world. This summer has confirmed for me my desire to follow Jesus radically... to bring hope to the most broken places because God has entrusted me with great privilege, and with that comes great responsibility.



So right now I am dangling upside down on a horse. I'm not exactly sure how I got here, but I am certain now that I've seen life this way, it can never be the same. I am being held by a God who cares for me deeply, and a man who wants me to love God more... I am surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses who want me to see life from this vantage point. Because why would you sit on a horse and ride it normally, when you can rely on the strength of God and your community to give you a whole new perspective?! I think life is just so much more exciting when we don't do it the way we are expected to... it's way more exciting upside down, even if we have to tuck in our shirts to make it appropriate. ♥ ♥ ♥

Hello Ranch Camp.

I went for a trail ride in the rain yesterday. It was amazing. There was a moment when I was just giddy sitting on that horse in the rain and thinking about how excited I am to be here. Even though the past few days have been really challenging for me, I am so thankful to be here--going for trail rides and walks and breathing fresh air. Being surrounded by so much beauty-the people and the creation-is bringing my heart to such a state of healing and freedom. I am so thankful for this experience. What a gift that THIS is my job right now. I really can't believe it.

My New Adventure

This very moment I find myself at Kidder Creek Camp just outside of Etna, CA (that would be "way northern California" as I lovingly refer to it). I made an adventurous solo road trip last Thursday (May 20th) and, 11-ish hours later, found myself in the middle of nowhere surrounded by trees and horses. Surprisingly, I really enjoyed the drive. I think I really needed time to decompress and process what I was about to do. I've been thinking so much about taking this leap of faith, and it was strange to actually start LIVING this adventure. I spent the day catching up with lovely friends (including Holly Wagner and old school Godchicks sermons!).

I arrived at camp around 7pm and was whisked away to Craig's Thursday night Bible study. It's a group of young parents (and their many precious little ones) who meet on Thursday nights at one of their houses. I felt so welcomed and at home. The days that followed are kind of a blur now. Craig and I spent the day together on Friday, during which he gave me a tour of "the valley" (the Scott Valley--quite different from the San Fernando Valley). He took me to a mountain summit in a snow storm, and then out to dinner at the cutest little brewery in downtown Etna. Over the next few days the other staff leadership arrived and we began our training. It has been a lot to take in all at once, but these people are wonderfully genuine and interesting and so much fun. We eat together and laugh and tell our life stories and dream about the summer together.

I'm not going to lie, I have felt extremely overwhelmed and even sad during many moments during this time. It is hard to acknowledge that I am so far away from life as I know it. I am so far from the people who know me. I am thankful for this time because I am confident that I am being stretched in amazing ways, but it is truly an act of daily surrender to lean in to this new challenge. My position requires a great deal from me as far as leadership is concerned. I have been entrusted with a lot, and it is really exciting. In light of that, I am determined to live in complete surrender so that His greater power can work through me this summer. I am so uniquely positioned to do this job, and I love it!

I cannot wait to see what these next few months hold!



more soon.
xo

I'd rather be a Mexican.

On April 24, 2010, Mark Falcon asked Kirsten Moss to MARRY him. Surprise surprise, she said YES.
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An epic day in the history of my world. My little Kirstie met a man and she is getting married. I am so happy for these loveliest of lovely couples. I believe in marriage. I believe in the power of God to hold two people together through anything. I am so excited for these two!

Here are a few other pics from Mexico...






Every year Mexico seems to surprise all of us. It's one of those things that you can't really anticipate or prepare yourself for, God just shows up somehow. I am always blown away when I look back at Mexico pictures because there is just something magical about it. It is almost like escaping time and having an exclusive encounter with the Divine. Every year unique, yet never void of the Spirit that knits together all of humanity.
The other day I heard someone refer to their trip to Mexico as "helping the less fortunate people of Mexico." This shocked me a little because I certainly do not think of these trips like that. We need to let God use us to meet people's physical needs, absolutely, but I think it's silly to think that these people would be happier if they had all the things we have. I'm not sure if you've looked around lately, but I don't think that flushing toilets and fancy new cars really make people all that happy.
I am glad the people of Mexico are not like us. I am glad they have a slow pace of life and let their dogs, cats, and horses run free. I'm glad they have taco stands and throw huge fiestas to celebrate absolutely everything. Obviously there is injustice and many improvements these people could benefit from, but thinking we need to help them be like us doesn't really seem to be that productive. We need to partner with God to repair creation instead of thinking that our riches are going to "save" these people from their poverty.
Mexico trips always illuminate for me how BIG our God is and how rich you are when you are aware of His LOVE. I am so thankful He has allowed me to experience other places and other people...I never want to be someone who thinks a person NEEDS luxury in order to survive. I want to get my hands dirty with the desperation that draws people to their knees --dirty with the filth of broken people who need the grace of God to make it through another day. This requires relentless abandon to the purposes of the Almighty, and a willingness to fearlessly engage the sadness in the world.

Who are the "less fortunate" people my friend was talking about? Most likely it is the people who can't admit how much they need other people. The people who build mountains of luxury for themselves while they Botox their troubles away. I think I'd rather be a Mexican.

Maybe I'll join the National Guard.

There is a huge billboard by my apartment for the National Guard. Every time I sit at the light at Canoga and Ventura, I am forced to consider the giant slogan that reads,

"ANSWER THE CALL."


They just put the billboard up about two weeks ago, and I have to admit that the timing is rather suspect. I love when God talks to me through billboards. I am a simple girl, and I need giant billboards to point me in the right direction sometimes.

This week, as I am taking steps toward "answering the call," I am feeling burdened by the things I might be leaving behind. It seems that God has been calling me to something specific, but I hate the feeling of walking out on things. I think that often there is so much value in being deeply rooted somewhere, in being established and channeling peace and joy into that place. There is value in being faithful to one place and in pouring yourself out there. I also think that there is value in leaving your comfort zone and saying yes to the grand adventure of life. Sometimes you are called to stay and sometimes you are called to leave. Though leaving isn't easy, to those who choose to stay, it can appear to be "taking the easy way out."

I spoke to my boss on the phone today and she was crying. She is having a really rough time in life, and all of her employees are on the verge of quitting. People are constanty calling in sick or going to rehab or needing to go on maternity leave to give birth to their children. As I find myself on the brink of leaving this job myself, I can't help but feel like I am abandoning my boss in her hour of need, and that she needs me to stay and help her.

When you are a person of conscience, I think that there will always be people to whom you feel loyal. There will always be a reason to not get on that plane or dive in to that cause. There will always be a reason why you shouldn't do something, and there will always be someone wherever you are who needs your help. The hard part is discerning when is the right time to care for these obligations, and when is the time to decide that they aren't really the obligations for which you have been placed on this earth.

Sometimes it seems selfish when you tell people that you have to follow what God is calling you to do and to leave them behind. It sounds like you are skipping out on your responsibilities or abandoning the people who need you. The thing is, those people don't really need you, they need God. Too often we depend on each other for things that only God can provide. So instead of thinking that I am the answer to someone's problems, I need to learn that God is the answer, and His power can be present, whether I am or not. This requires a great deal of trust because you have to trust that God is in charge, that there is power in prayer, and that He is the one who is going to take care of the people you love.

I guess the bottom line of what I am learning through this is that it is so important in life to answer the call, and not to be bogged down by the overwhelming needs of the people around you. We need to be CALL driven, not NEED driven. There are needs everywhere, but where is God CALLING you? What makes your heart beat faster and your soul smile? You are not the answer to anyone's problems, but when you align yourself with the power of God, he can use you to do something awesome in your little corner of the world.

Hiding your heart in the One who made you will allow you to live a purposeful, focused life because God will show you what it is that you were CREATED to do!

Why are these things so much easier to BLOG about than to actually live?! :)

Who has the final say?

I am gradually learning that no matter what your decision making process is, the bottom line of so many decisions in our lives is priorities. You have to decide what your first priorities are in order to make decisions that will take you where you want to go, because otherwise you will never get anywhere. If you decide that your first priority is your career, then you need to make consisent decisions that put your career first. If you decide your first priority is your family, then you need to be sure to ignore anything that would interfere with letting your family come first.

Once you have established your priorities, and you make a few decisions holding true to them, your grown up life takes on a pattern. It seems to me that pattern can be wonderfully rewarding or sadly empty. Because patterns add consistency and stability to our lives, we need them. We need some sort of structure or frame through which to make decisions and process the world around us. However, when we are forming these patterns I think we need to be wildly true to ourselves. So true to ourselves that everyone says we are crazy because we continue to think of life as an unbelieveable, wondrous adventure and nothing less...we need to do things like move to Minnesota and get married (:)or move to the Middle East to live alongside Muslim women (my friend Jesse is doing this. she can't even disclose her location for safety reasons)...

This all much easier in theory because there are so many other voices that want to dictate my future. There are so many different people who wave their arms in warning to me about the decisions I think I need to make. All the while, I hear Jesus whisper to me..."Who is your loyalty to? Who has the final say in your decisions? Is it me?"

"'First things first. Your business is LIFE, not death. And LIFE is urgent; announce God's kingdom!' Then another said, 'I'm ready to follow you, Master, but first excuse me while I get things straightened out at home.' Jesus said, 'No procrastination. No backward looks. You can't put God's kingdom off till tomorrow. Seize the day.'"Luke9:60-62 (the message)

good is the enemy of best

Yesterday, I returned home from Rubies and Pearls. It was the most fantastic weekend. What a growing experience... I gave a message on Friday night about living in Freedom...and saying YES to freedom and no to everything else. I had such an incredible time preparing for my message, and then giving it. I loved being up in the mountains with such lovely women, and I loved being with the bad girls in the grown up cabin. There were so many layers to the weekend, layers of emotion and fun and wonder. I cannot believe it's over.

As a result, I think I am suffering from post Rubies and Pearls blues. It has been hanging over my head for the past few months, and now I find myself feeling a bit aimless. Today at work I just sat there and wondered what I am supposed to do now. I think I know what I am supposed to do, but it scares me. I have been thinking and talking for a while now about not being a slave to fear, and about jumping off the cliffs of adventure... but I think I find it much simpler to jump when I know that if I fail it will only be in my career...

The wise John Sutton would always say that good is the enemy of best; when you have it good, you allow that to be enough. I don't want to settle for good, I want the best. I didn't realize how difficult it can be to reach for the best when the good is looking pretty comfortable. As I think about that saying, I think that a good life can be kind of monotonous. Good can be a rut, but if you are always pursuing your BEST life, then you know that you are headed somewhere, and suddenly things get a little more exciting.

"Now listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.' As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins."
James 4:13-17